Jeremiah's School of Levitation

Behold this product: The VibraExciter.


The photo should tell you all you need to know about what this thing is, but in case you have no imagination, this is a goddamned remote controlled vibrator. The company leaves it up to you as to where you "put" the business end, but they suggest that the user choose "their own erogenous spot" and in case you need guidance on where that might be, they add that "it is designed to be placed inside underwear".

However, the photo doesn't give the complete picture of how it's supposed to work.

You see, you can program it to "activate" when you receive a cell phone call, or text message, from anyone. In other words, you and your cell phone will "emit a tone" when you get a call. This, of course, extends the decidely primitive vibrate feature of the cell phone itself, which I'm not sure anyone has used for this purpose. If they have, though, using the VibraExciter instead is infinitely more avantageous as it doesn't place you in the annoying and potentially awkward situation of having to retrieve your cell phone from your underwear in order to answer it. (However, as a workaround in this case, if you don't have the VibraExciter and have indeed placed your cell phone in your underwear (I don't want to know you), you can just maneouver deftly to click the answer button and just speak into your zipper,... which, on second thought, is just as weird as pulling the phone out of your pants--but potentially funnier).

The VibraExciter is marketed to men and women and is considered a nice gift for your loved one to let them know you're thinking about them. Trouble here is that, as I mentioned, these things start shimmying with any phone call, including those that come in on a nearby cell phone. So, not only is it possible that anyone who has your cell phone number is the one lighting you up (yikes), but also, your paramour could also be a complete stranger. What's more frustrating is that you can't see that complete stranger who's giving you that anonymous love tap, so you will never know if the caller may actually be the one for you, considering the sensual and visceral way that they said "Hello, there." That is, unless you inquire about the caller to the stranger who recieved the phone call. Again, that's a potentially awkward situation, because it would be difficult to word that question.

The Good or Bad News is that the VibraExciter, once it's activated, will go on about your business for the entire duration of your phone call (or, for just 30 seconds if you get a text message). The Good or Bad News about the time limit is that you can manually stop it. You also have the option of just manually starting it, in case no one calls you anyway. Or, for added fun, you can just call yourself and fake a phone call while you're buzzing yourself, which would be nice to watch, if you're a girl, and if I could be so fucking lucky.

All I can really say, in conclusion, is "jeez"! Also, I can say that I do like an alternate idea for areas, like waiting rooms, that have banned the use of cell phones, but still have to deal with the arrogant "Surely They Don't Mean Me" crowd who still use their cell phones in these areas. The area supervisors could get some sort of turbo version of the VibraExciter that vibrates rapidly enough to turn glass back into sand and install that in the waiting room seats.

Of course, in that instance, it should be noted that it won't be any fun at all to then take down all the "No Cell Phones" signs, now would it?

I could never own one of these. I'd be calling myself CONSTANTLY.

With a big grin on my face.