Jeremiah's School of Levitation

Upsy-Daisy!

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Las Vegas Travel Tips, Part 1

Because I have family ties to Las Vegas, and thereby visit there often, friends of mine have frequently asked me for "insider" travel tips, which I gladly provide. I'll present here some of them over the next few weeks, hopefully to enlighten you, deepen your knowledge of the town, help you fully absorb the experience that is Las Vegas and, ultimately, inspire you to actually lock up half the money you brought.

HOW TO SOBER UP INSTANTLY

This skill would be helpful in any town, but my version works only for Las Vegas.

You're gambling, yammering away, falling fully into the glittering, clanglorious casino chaos surrounding you and, well, drinking like you have no stomach. All is well, until you finish that one drink, that brief, shining drink that can now be called ONE DRINK OVER YOUR LIMIT. One second ago, all was coherant and you were as loquacious and clever as a talk show host. The next second, your vision becomes so blurred that it looks like you are looking at the world through a rain-saturated windshield.

Yikes! You're drunk in the casino! Before you start pinching the cocktail waitress (men, she will smash a drink glass and slit your throat with the shards right there if you try that--how much cocktail waitresses hate you will be explored in another post), or putting your hand in the dealer's pocket, employ this nifty "get sober quick" exercise:

Slide away from the table. Proceed to the nearest door facing the beautiful Las Vegas strip. Go outside. Position yourself against a stable structure and gaze at the strip before you. Marvel at the mesmerizing, cascading lights that revel in a colorful parade, flashing and dancing in rainbow waves and neon crescendos, splashing into pools of sparks, twinkling and singing. Gaze at the giant outdoor video screens that plunge you into a futuristic fantasy of giant dancing women and high-resolution pyrotechnics that look like entertainment for the gods. Feel the enormous scale of the buildings and landscaping around you, which are towering, spanning, startingly accurate recreations of world wonders and tropical vistas that would seem gargantuan if even ONE of them were in your city's downtown, but, man, there're dozens of them in Las Vegas, one after the other. Amazing.

Now, close your eyes and realize that none of this magnificent town would be possible if it wasn't for millions of people, just like you, who come here yearly with their earnings, their savings, the money that they face humiliation on a daily basis to scrape up, and they dump it, smiling, directly into the deep and greasy pockets of greedy, piggish, contemptuous casino dons who would just as soon walk on your head if you stopped giving them money.

There, now you're sober. Go back inside, order a 50 cent hot dog, and go to bed. Works every time!
Jeremiah, 10:49 AM

2 Back at me:

DAMMMMMIT.

I don't have TIME to read another blog. But how can I not add this to my list???

You used my favorite "L" word, and everything.
Blogger Lisa, at 4:03 PM  
Puking. You forgot puking. When you realize the casinos wouldn't piss on you if you were ablaze. Then I'd be sober.
Blogger Mona Buonanotte, at 11:39 AM  

Say sump-tun