Jeremiah's School of Levitation

Upsy-Daisy!

Friday, April 07, 2006

Las Vegas Travel Tips, Part 2

Here's another installment of my humble, but helpful Las Vegas travel hints. I have family ties to Las Vegas and visit there often. There actually exists a city beyond the Strip which, in most respects (except for the slot machines in the grocery store, as well as smoking being allowed in the grocery store), is a normal, middle-class, congested, strip mall-infested, road-raging American Town. God Bless Las Vegas!

Anyway, today's sermon is primarily for the men. It's called:

THE COCKTAIL WAITRESSES HATE YOU

I had a friend who came to visit me in Vegas over the summer. It was his first ever trip to Vegas and he was, like a lot of first-timers, unable to ungape his jaw for a few days. One Vegas feature that really brought slack to his jaw was (or, were?--is there an editor in tha house?) the cocktail waitresses. I took him out the first night to Caesars Palace, and he got one look at those beautiful girls dressed in one-pieces made out of colored saran wrap, covering bodies seemingly carved from marble, with the exposed, loofa-scrubbed, glimmering legs that were long and graceful living beings all their own, and his damn jaw nearly came unhinged. He was dazed by the pickings, figuring that there was no way he wasn't going home with a hot cocktail waitress simply due to the number of them. The odds were amazing.

I pat his back, took him to a place near an air conditioning vent, and told him to relax. If there is one woman you won't pick up and, consequently, one woman who is most dangerous to your mental health, it is the mighty cocktail waitress.

Guys, do not become entranced by the scant dress, the seductive smile, the well-placed "honey" or "sweetheart" when they ask you if you want a drink, because it is all a mockery, a pose, a set up, a slight, and thinly-veiled disdain. They absolutely hate you. As much as it may appear so to you, they are NOT here for your entertainment. They hate your rotten jokes, they do not appreciate your compliments, they don't think your pick up lines are cute, and, they do not think that you look good in that suit. You are just another rat bastard who thinks she is actually a girl primed for loving, lonely and unsatified, just waiting for some slick man to sweep her away into, if nothing else, one night of love like she's never had. Yeah right. But, see, a lot of men think that. Here's this lovely lady dressed up to be undressed, and she's so happily attending to my drinking needs. She must be on the prowl. Let me see how far I can get with her. She is, after all, one of Vegas' offerings, one of the many ways they want to make my stay pleasant. Nope. They are part of the show, but they are not going to perform for only you.

Enough men have tried to pick up cocktail waitresses over the many years that cocktail waitresses have existed as to make your attempt just plain vile. Your intent has been ruined completely by brutish cads years before you came along, so just stay respectful and keep gambling.

You can't impress them with money because they make more money than you, and, consequently are also smarter than you because they are not gambling their money away. You can't impress them with cleverness because they'll only think you're drunk and stupid. You can't try to be a nice guy because you are in a casino chatting up cocktail waitresses who are just trying to make a living so, you are not a nice guy.

So, leave your lines at home, or save them for a real bar. And, I would hope that you came with enough sense not to pinch them or whack their butts or anything (that's only for the pit bosses to do. No lie. I've seen some instances of touchy-grabby committed by pit bosses that, though they only inspire merely a giggle from the cocktail waitress, would cause me to be slapped with a lawsuit so big, my grandkids would still be paying it off when they're my age, if I tried that grabby move at MY job. I wonder if sexual harrassment is even against the law in Las Vegas casinos..), so I'll assume you won't be lewd. However, even with that in mind, under no circumstances should you touch them, even just to pat a shoulder or arm. That is, unless you really always wondered what it felt like to have an entire tray of drinks firmly lodged in your lower intestine.

Order your drink politely. Say thank you. Leave a modest tip. Glimpse at her as she leaves, if you must, but otherwise, just remain calm and FORGET IT!

Ignore my warning at your own risk. Or, if you really have to touch, then get a job as a pit boss.
Jeremiah, 11:37 AM

1 Back at me:

I think they (women) are all like that, or at least the majority are like those cocktail waitresses. Just ignore them. They come to you when you ignore them.

And I believe it is "were" as the waitresses is plural. I'm in training to become an English teacher so...
Blogger Cecil B., at 1:26 PM  

Say sump-tun