Jeremiah's School of Levitation

The humorous construction "(Determiner) (noun) is not going (infinitive) itself" is a very common way to juxtapose the expected operation or function of an object with a situation in which you are either trying to terminate a conversation in a humorous manner, or if you are trying to point out the absurdity of that particular object actually acting upon itself to produce the result which it is designed to produce. In other words, you are assigning human propulsion to an inanimate object, which is a technique that can form the basis for several forms of humor.

Consider the following examples:

"Well, gotta go. My dinner isn't going to eat itself!"

"Ah, excuse me, but my teeth aren't going to brush themselves!"

"I should head over to surgery now. This appendix isn't going to remove itself!"

As you see, there are more than a few humorous advantages to using this construction, and the possibilities may seem endless, depending upon your powers of observation, timing, and situational appropriateness, as with any form of humor.

However, a caveat for those who may use this construction without some amount of forethought: make sure that the expected action of the object of your humorous focus cannot actually function as an instrument of automation.

Consider the following example:

"Well, this has been an enlightening conversation between the stall walls, but, I've got to go. This toilet isn't going to flush itself!"

This construction may lose its effectiveness because, in reality, there now exist toilets that indeed DO flush themselves. These toilets represent an annoying addition to our daily lives, however good the intentions, which stem from the fact that we no longer want to touch the flushing appendages of toilets, despite years of touching them without any serious repercussions or toilet flushing ailments of the finger tips. Those that are in fear of these ailments do have the option of wrapping toilet tissue around their hands and then proceeding to flush. Or, they can use the bottom of their shoe, which they then promptly parade into their house and place among their children, pets, and other innocent clothes without regard for the fact that you used those rouge shoes to flush a toilet in the bus station.

But, that is all beside the point. The point is that I am glad that someone decided to include an "emergency flush release button" next to the sensory element of self-flushing toilets so that those of us who find it necessary--sometimes for the continued survival of anyone else in the bathroom--to deploy a manual flush. Sadly, some toilet manufacturers have not updated their sensory equipment with the manual flush release, thereby causing some sitters to weave in an embarrassing serpentine manner in order to trigger the automatic flush, which, of course, never works, except to help you create an elegant toilet dance that no one will ever see anyway, but you know would make you a star on the performance art circuit if you had the guts to perform it in public.

Anyhow, I leave you with the suggestion to use the above construction to entice a light moment from a conversation, with only a slight, but important, consideration for our automated society, if you hope to extract the maximum effect from your humor.

Thank you, and, as always, keep them laughing until they stop.

My daughter is freaked out by those auto-flush machines. Fr-uh-eeek-kd out. I have to stand beside her, holding my hand over that electronic eye, until she's done wiping and pulling up pants and she has her hands over her ears. Then I let go and WOOOOSH.

When, exactly, did I turn into my mother?

very funny...I'm guilty of doing the 'flush already' wiggle dance in the stall for those stubborn toilets who are a bit challenged by your proximity.

Subaddo: Humor is the equivalent of truck stop coffee, I always say.

Mona: They are creepy for sure. "I always feel like, somebody's watching me! (and I have no privacy)!" (Extra credit if you can name the singer of that tune!")

Emma: Everybody do the "Flush Already!" You've got a partner in me if you want to take it on the road!

What's really sad is that there are people out there that assume that all toilets flush themselves and walk away even from those that don't. Pretty gross.