Jeremiah's School of Levitation

So, yeah, it's been a while since I've posted, due to the fact that my mood resides somewhere between Hades and the Earth's lower mantle. It didn't help that Steve Irwin died. Me and my boys watched him religiously as they (and I) grew up, and I used to crack them up with my Crocodile Hunter impersonations. As likely as it was that the wild would finally claim him, it saddens the hell out of me that it did. I'm tired of seeing the most humane of humans be violently removed from this planet. I'd climb on my roof and scream if my roof didn't have a nearly 80 degree incline.

But, anyway, I've been interviewing at the Big Giant Software Giant (Did I Mention Giant?) whose name I will not mention. Things look halfway decent for a contract position, which is like plugging the hole in the ship with a baguette. But, hey, I need to work.

My biggest issue is having to put on a tie to interview. I am possibly the only man in the world who looks bad in a nice suit. Hell, even mass murders look good in the suits that they wore in the courtrooms. When I saw Scott Petersen in court, I thought, "Man, now there goes a goddamn evil, hateful, stupid, worthless man who doesn't even deserve to have lived long enough to make it to court, but, look at him in that suit!"

In a nice outfit, with my hair cut, and my shoebox physique, I look like some grotesque Trinidad carnival mask. I am so self-conscious in a tie that I have to overcome MYSELF in an interview before I even work on answering the question.

Solemn interviewer: "So, Jeremiah, why do you think you are the best qualified for this position?"

Me: (Internal conversation): "Man, this tie is choking me. Is it crooked? I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror just a few minutes ago and I looked like a giant Q-tip®, sticking out of a drawstring bag. My head was the size of a pumpkin. And, is there somewhere I can donate a portion of my forehead to those less fortunate to have a full head of forehead? I remember back in school when the kids used to say 'Jeremiah doesn't have a forehead--he has a FIVE-head.'"

Me: (What I actually say): "If I could rip off this tie, pull my shirt out of my pants, and sit back in the chair, I'd really be able to formulate real words, but, for now, I'm just going to unleash a nice long gag, if you don't mind. You're welcome to read my resume while I'm gagging."

No, actually, things have gone well, as can be expected. I'll push on. And, I promise to be better at letting those who care know what I'm pushing. One thing, though: I wish I could never worry about the man again. Meanwhile, I'm headed off to study for another interview. Maybe I should apply to the Q-tip folks...

Its great to hear from you. Was worried and keeping fingers crossed for the job hunt. You wouldnt at all be related to Mr. Mackey would you? Mkay. :-)

"I am possibly the only man in the world who looks bad in a nice suit."

Hee hee... one of my favourite musicians once wrote

"Well, I don't look good in no Armani suits, no Guccci shoes or designer boots. I've tried the latest lines from A to Z but there's just one thing that looks good on me..."

and his mind works just fine!

"my mood resides somewhere between Hades and the Earth's lower mantle."

Spirits up, my friend. I would, if I could, take you for a tall cool one and we could talk of music and our respective wire, battery and electronic bits collections.

You SLAY me with descriptions, dude!

But seriously, there is no doubt in my mind that you look absolutely fabulous in a suit. It's a given. But you didn't have to cut your hair, didja? Stick it to The Man!

I am surprised that you needed to wear a tie to interview at that software GIANT. All they ever wear are the free T-shirts advertising the GIANT's products.
I see them all around here, there must be a nest nearby.

Maggie: No, no relation, but, strangely enough, I do love to crack my kids up by saying "Mkay!" at random moments. I don't reveal to them that the utterance is actually completely involuntary...

TG: I often hide in my wires. Thanks for the support.

Mona: Maybe I do. It's just, suits make me uncomfortable and give me a look on my face that resembles the look I'd have if I'd swallowed a gallon of grease. So, if you can see past the painful grimmace...

Badoozie: Don't use those Q-tips again--share them! Slip them into birthday cards or make necklaces out of them and give them to politicians.

Meno: Well, mom always said to wear a suit or tie to an interview. But, yeah, when I go to the GIANT like that, I'm horribly overdressed. To them, I must look like I'm on my way to a funeral. I can tell that they want to grab my tie and snip it off. Which would be fine..

That was funny - I really needed a good laugh this morning. It made me think about my husband who left this morning to lead singing at a funeral. He had to get a tie out of the closet and all of them are too short. I said, "why don't you lengthen it?" and then he shows me he had no more left to make it longer. He was choking to death on the tie. Not to mention the neck of the dress shirt was too tight.

He claims it's all because I'm shrinking things. Right.