Jeremiah's School of Levitation
Upsy-Daisy!
Friday, December 08, 2006
Dark Odors
Well, again thanks to the incredible Mona, we have a Friday blog-spiration word, which is "dark". I opt to write about a vulgar brand of dark humor, inspired by a totally true news report that an American Airlines plane bound for Dallas was forced to make an emergency landing in Nashville because "a passenger lit a match to disguise the scent of flatulence."
Yeah, it seemed that this passenger was having some gastric disturbances and then apparently, in desperation, repeated a previous, failed, terrorist attack by lighting several matches. Her reason, though, was to conceal the odor of her fart. Passengers reported it (the odor of flame, not the odor of fart, which apparently was successfully concealed), and the pilots landed the plane accordingly. Upon landing, they expelled the passenger (no pun intended).
I'd think there would be other alternatives, since, and you are with me here, don't deny, I've cut a few on a plane before. You either do it in the bathroom, or position that little mini air spout above you in a strategic direction so that it blows the air from you to the baby sitting in front of you. Problem solved.
Well, the passenger didn't opt for that, so, I was thinking, after laughing for a while, that, especially for the guys out there, this is a serious call to action because, it seems, the bar on Competition Farting has now been officially raised. No more will under-the-bedcovers or inside-a-full-car farting be the ultimate expression of guy-ish-ness. Now, apparently, a fart has brought down a plane. Personally, as an official guy, I'm not sure how we can top that one. I mean, we've now got to aim for, like, clearing the Super Bowl stadium with a fart, or, I don't know, ruining next year's wine grapes with a well-placed poot so that we have no vintage from 2006. I'm open to suggestions.
However, because lighting a match on a plane just to conceal a fart is just so incredibly dumb, I have to wonder if this actually wasn't a terrorist attack, just delivered by a low-rent, ghetto terrorist. How do we not know that this lady didn't actually plan this, and consumed large servings of beans, cabbage, and milk before boarding and then was really attempting to LIGHT her fart, thereby causing an explosion or at least a burst of disorienting flame? However primitive, this is virtually undetectable, and, if created within the right person, like maybe Rush Limbaugh, possibly lethal.
So, now we may have to alter our airline security policies. Passengers may now be required to fart into a fart-a-lizer tube that will then determine the gas levels present in their system. Should they be high enough to be dangerously flammable, the passenger will not be allowed to board the plane until their gaseous levels have fallen to federal standards.
Problem is, this may assure that half the guys who ride planes today will need to get used to Greyhound schedules, but, hey, national security is a priority. If you can fart on a plane, then the terrorists have won!
Yeah, it seemed that this passenger was having some gastric disturbances and then apparently, in desperation, repeated a previous, failed, terrorist attack by lighting several matches. Her reason, though, was to conceal the odor of her fart. Passengers reported it (the odor of flame, not the odor of fart, which apparently was successfully concealed), and the pilots landed the plane accordingly. Upon landing, they expelled the passenger (no pun intended).
I'd think there would be other alternatives, since, and you are with me here, don't deny, I've cut a few on a plane before. You either do it in the bathroom, or position that little mini air spout above you in a strategic direction so that it blows the air from you to the baby sitting in front of you. Problem solved.
Well, the passenger didn't opt for that, so, I was thinking, after laughing for a while, that, especially for the guys out there, this is a serious call to action because, it seems, the bar on Competition Farting has now been officially raised. No more will under-the-bedcovers or inside-a-full-car farting be the ultimate expression of guy-ish-ness. Now, apparently, a fart has brought down a plane. Personally, as an official guy, I'm not sure how we can top that one. I mean, we've now got to aim for, like, clearing the Super Bowl stadium with a fart, or, I don't know, ruining next year's wine grapes with a well-placed poot so that we have no vintage from 2006. I'm open to suggestions.
However, because lighting a match on a plane just to conceal a fart is just so incredibly dumb, I have to wonder if this actually wasn't a terrorist attack, just delivered by a low-rent, ghetto terrorist. How do we not know that this lady didn't actually plan this, and consumed large servings of beans, cabbage, and milk before boarding and then was really attempting to LIGHT her fart, thereby causing an explosion or at least a burst of disorienting flame? However primitive, this is virtually undetectable, and, if created within the right person, like maybe Rush Limbaugh, possibly lethal.
So, now we may have to alter our airline security policies. Passengers may now be required to fart into a fart-a-lizer tube that will then determine the gas levels present in their system. Should they be high enough to be dangerously flammable, the passenger will not be allowed to board the plane until their gaseous levels have fallen to federal standards.
Problem is, this may assure that half the guys who ride planes today will need to get used to Greyhound schedules, but, hey, national security is a priority. If you can fart on a plane, then the terrorists have won!
Elliot, 9:32 AM
6 Back at me:
Ok there is just so much brilliance here that begs to be addressed. First, "well placed poot" is such a grand phrase. It just rolls from the tongue. Second, "low-rent, ghetto terrorist". Again brilliant.
Third, Rush Limbaugh farts would most certainly be lethal. Fartalizers? Fartalizers? Oh god I would never fly again!
Third, Rush Limbaugh farts would most certainly be lethal. Fartalizers? Fartalizers? Oh god I would never fly again!
Sir, you have a well-calculated piece of bloggery here. Quite uplifting... *wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge*.
In any case, a right nice bit o' wordsmithin'.
In any case, a right nice bit o' wordsmithin'.
THAT'S why airlines should invest in cans of Glade...or maybe that Orange Citrus spray stuff.
No more will under-the-bedcovers or inside-a-full-car farting be the ultimate expression of guy-ish-ness.
Isn't that what a 'Dutch Oven' is? Or in her case, Dutch Oven Meets Super Sizing. I guess the only thing left would be Air Force One or perhaps the International Space Station.
Isn't that what a 'Dutch Oven' is? Or in her case, Dutch Oven Meets Super Sizing. I guess the only thing left would be Air Force One or perhaps the International Space Station.
okay, did you get flooded or blown off the map by record winds? yikes. our neighbor lost two trees and we had one go down at the end of the street. How did you fair?
Jeremiah, let us know if you're ok? I realize its a busy time of year and this could be the only reason you haven't been around, but you know all those storms up your way make for worries. Keeping you in my thoughts.
