Jeremiah's School of Levitation

Absentee blogger. Guilty! I don't have much of an excuse except that I've been terribly busy. At this time of the year, I fall in a big hole and all of a sudden, I have half the time to do thrice the stuff. I can't even get out to the gym, so I feel like I've swollen to about 1200 pounds and would be mistaken for a volkswagen beetle if I was carrying some tires around.

But, really, just how busy was I? Was I just slacking off and am now trying to find some way to wriggle out of saying it? Maybe. You guess. Below are some things I might have been up to over the past week. You have to guess which ones are true! The fun, it just goes on!

I'll give you a hint--three are true. Have fun! Now!

Last week, Jeremiah was:

• Telling Denise Richards that she needs to stop calling me because, really, she missed me by about 14 years, 15 1/2 if you count how long I dated my wife, and I'm not up for those Hollywood Glitter-flash divorce/marriages and that, no, she can't even steal a kiss. You don't want me anyway. I'm a bad boy, I'm no good for you, I'll spend all your money on Dallas Cowboy tickets and electronic toys and, well, I'm real bad at cocktail party small talk, and I don't look good next to George Clooney. So, farewell to thee! But, before you go, could you sign about one hundred photos of you that I have in my closet? You're so sweet.

• Starting my next new position at the Big Giant Software Giant working for what may be the coolest product in the physical and quantum universe (as well as whatever universe LaToya Jackson lives in), and grinning so much that my smile may have to be surgically removed.

• Travelling back in time to tell one of my ex-girlfriends that her ending our year and a half relationship in one freaking night actually will be quite inconsequential in my future life and that, in fact, I'm breaking up with YOU! That reaction would have been a lot cooler than my real reaction, which was to start bawling like she had just wrenched my guts out with a hot pitchfork.

• Following the lead of my youngest as I strung Christmas lights all over my yard, tangling them in branches and leaves to create displays that will dazzle passersby in the night and will, sometime in January, cause me to have public tantrums as I try to untangle them from those same branches and leaves.

• When no one was looking, hugging the cat.

• Dancing around the house because the Cowboys beat the Giants, causing my family to huddle together in the living room, wide-eyed and whispering, hoping that daddy will, someday, be normal again.

• Taking a shower.

This first one well I'm hedging my bets that she wasn't calling you however I just have to say that you would sooo be good at small talk at cocktail parties. Have you read your own blog?

This one I'm thinking is most likely true but I'm saying no to because there are others that have to be true.

Ok not! Mainly because even though I know you have that time machine you built in your garage, you really wouldn't want to go back there and even give that wench the satisfaction of seeing you in any time frame.

This one I'm voting true. Who wouldn't want to chase your youngest around the yard with a string of lights?

Hmmm, let me get back to you on this one.

This one I say true. Just because the picture of it was so comical that I enjoyed every minute of it.

This one better be true. I mean come on, you must have showered at least once last week, after all, you're still married.

I think they are all true, with the exception of you taking a shower. That is just not to be believed.

Ok, i'm really saying that to avoid guessing, because i'm always wrong. Fess up now.

Whatever that 'coolest product around' is that you're working on? I want one.

I think you combined two...you really took a shower with Denise Richards, didnt ya?

was thinking about you on Sunday... :))) Niners lost, and are now 5-7, but then so did the Raiders, my brother's team, and they are 2 and oh, let's not go there...

my kids huddle in the corner too, when I get all football-riled up!

only three? aw, I bet you did hug that cat!

All--

Actually, each of these has a hint of truth, but some more than others. I generally lead a fantasy life, so even my own perception of my own actual experiences contains some measure of Walter Mitty. So, anyway:

• No, Denise never calls anymore. And I only actually have one physical photo of Denise, but several thousand mental ones, none of which you want me to describe...

• True. New position at a cool team. All I'll say is "product for creative professionals".

• No. If I could travel back in time, I'd essentially ruin all that we know today. My mom would be real mad. However, I did have a girlfriend of 18 months who broke up with me on a normal night out. And, of course I bawled. And, of course, it actually really meant nothing in the end.

• True. Putting up Christmas lights with yer kidz is one of life's great pleasures.

• SuBaDoo was right. I don't hug cats. I only hug people, pillows, and televisions that show the Dallas Cowboys winning a game.

• Partially true. I did do a very funky jig in the kitchen when Gramatica kicked the winning field goal. However, my family is very used to that and they just go about their lives until I calm down.

• Red herring. Of course I took a shower. In fact, I took two last week.