Jeremiah's School of Levitation

I'm getting older, or knives are getting sharper. Knife sharpening technology has reached its zenith as my surehandedness has as slipped its zenith. I know this because we just got a new set of knives, like the Ginsu ones I used to see on TV. Except, Ginsu knives have edges like ball bearings compared to our new knives. Our new knives cut with a frightening efficiency and quickness. I can slice a carrot by just waving the knife edge about a centimeter above the carrot. I even think I hear the blade whistling as I move it. You think I'm kidding. I'm not. I may be exagerrating, but, I 'm NOT kidding.

It is all fine, though, for knives to commit cruelly precise acts of slicing upon carrots, but don't try washing the knives. And, don't be Jeremiah. I have hand-washed these knives a total of four times. My hands, as of today, have a total of FOUR new, clean, long, smiley faced-shaped slashes in them. Not a one of them even hurt. All I felt, as I was dutifully washing the blade, like I've hand-washed every single blade of every single knife I've washed in my 30 or so years of dishwashing, was the tell-tale "Slice of Uh-Oh", similar to how you feel when you get a paper cut, except, paper cuts kind of sting. The cut of the EvilSharpKnife is much more like a razor kiss.

I felt the slice, and, each time, I knew instantly what I did. And, each time, I reacted the same way. I winced, said a dirty word (twice, with feeling), and I looked at my finger, which, on first glance, looked just fine. Then, about two seconds later, blood rushed out of my skin like kids coming out of school when the final bell rings. I washed a few teaspoons of blood down the drain before I wrapped the finger and then band-aided it. And, of course, I picked up the blade to look at it, then to touch that evil edge, as if to make peace with it, and I shook my head, thinking, wow, if I had been washing this thing with any more vigor, or with any more martini in my system, I might now be thinking of new ways to type.

Hey, dummy!, you say, just stick them in the dishwasher! Yeah, tried that. Got a spanking from my wife. "Those are my best knives! Don't put them in the DISHWASHER!," she said, as if I had tried to put a toaster in the garbage disposal. We have this discussion a lot when I try to do stupid things like use the "wrong" washrag to wash my face ("Those are our DECORATIVE washrags! Don't wash with those!), or pour wine in the "wrong" wine glasses ("Those are my GOOD wine glasses! Don't drink out of those!").

So, anyway, here I sit, a cutup man. My wife suggested we just get rid of the knives, not because I've lost about a pint of perfectly good blood, but because the kids might get ahold of the knives, which would surely be a tragedy seeing that they've managed to end up in the emergency room only because of the unfortunate, strategic placing of silly putty, so a sharp knife might end up getting them taken from us.

I'll keep on washing them, but I'm going to try to be careful (this makes the fourth time I've told myself this). But, if those knives are actually out to get me, as I suspect they may be, then it is only a matter of time before I'll need to have a prosthetic middle finger. Which, actually, wouldn't be too bad, if I could get one about a foot long. Nose-picking and giving traffic "signals" would be much easier. When you get old like me, you'll take help in the form of anything.

Labels: self-mutilation

I gasped in horror that you would even consider putting those knives in the dishwasher. But i stand behind you on your right to drink out of the good wine glasses every night!

Maybe you can find some small sheaths for those knives...like a Samurai warrior has for his blade.

Schwwwwwing! Out comes the blade, and the carrots magically chop themselves.

You may also want to invest in chain-mail gloves for the dish-washing part.

a friend of ours bought some cool samurai swords, and proceeded to spend a couple of hours in A&E after he just didn't handle one very nicely. he had to get stitches!

I don't mind knives, but I avoid glass glasses at all costs. they too can be dangerous things...

hope you heal soon!

I don't agree with the Wife on the face cloths or the wine glasses, use them each day to celebrate life - if broken or stained, you can always buy more.

I don't put my knives in the dishwsher, but then I don't put large bowls or my pots/pans in there either.

Because the knives are super-sharp, it may be a good idea to wash them after each use (as opposed with other dishes) and put them back in whatever container they are stored in right away. If you do not have a wood block or a knife tray specifically for them, get one.

I wash my knives with a sponge/scratch pad with the sponge side toward my fingers and the scratch pad toward the knife. I slide it from base to tip on the dull edge,which usually cleans it up good. Don't worry too much about getting too close to the sharp edge, that's what hot water is for.

Good luck!

I think we've all been there, my friend.

I seem to be able to cut myself on just about anything - dull or sharp - what's with that???

May you bleed in quiet reflection.

wow, and I use the wrong things just to *get* spankings from Mr. Coffee.

PS. Glad you are okay but there are more efficient and productive ways to give blood.

Wow. I started to say "I feel you pain," but seeing as how I don't have a set of those awesome knives, I don't actually feel your pain. But I have cut my finger with a butcher knife. Sadly, the women in my family are prohibited from using sharp objects when unsupervised, due to many similar incidents. So, although I can't empathize with you, you definitely have my sympathy. I hope you heal quickly.

(Came here by way of Fueled by Coffee/Emma Sometimes and ImpatientChicken)