Jeremiah's School of Levitation

I'm becoming a big fan of egg whites. They are practically no-fat, have just small bits of calories and they can taste great. I say "can" because, if you get lazy with cooking or buying them, then they just taste like wet paper. You have to first of all, crack them yourself, or witness them being cracked because I once fell for the egg whites in a carton products and, to the last brand on the shelf (even the ones that are stained yellow so that they look like whole eggs, which puzzles me why I'd know I'm eating egg whites, but just want them to look like whole eggs--it's like knowing I'm eating a carrot, but I want it to look like a carrot cake), they taste just slightly better than I'm guessing the carton housing them would taste.

Then, you have to cook them right. That means, for me, don't just scramble them like whole eggs because that doesn't work for them. No matter how much salt and garlic you put in them, their blandness wins out. No, you have to FRY them. You spread just a light bit of butter on the pan to prevent sticking, then you crack the egg...

...speaking of which, it took a while for me to figure out how to sucessfully separate the slimy egg white from the yolk. I tried cracking the thing into a bowl and then spooning out the yolk. The stuff's to slippery to do that without getting frustrated enough to bite a hole in myself. Then, I tried straining it, but, then, I was just making a bigger mess, sliming up another dish or utensil.

Then, after a short conversation with a cafeteria cook about my egg white woes, I got enlightened. She told me that she just cracked the egg open, but left the whole yolk and white part inside one half of the egg. Then, she would stand over the cooking surface take the broken edge of the recieving egg and place it under the yolk in the other egg and then TRANSFER just the yolk from one half egg to the other. The broken edge "cuts" the white as it flows, and it just dribbles out of the egg and into the pan. You have to do this a couple of times but, very quickly, you just end up with a yolk in the egg and white in the pan. Wow! That was exciting news, indeed. I still remember the look on her face as she described the process--she had a gaze that was somewhere between proud mama and wise sage. And, judging by how enlightened I felt, I probably had a look like I'd just heard Denise Richards call me "honey buns".

Anyway, once they're in the pan, leave them alone. Let them brown a little on the bottom and then flip them over like an omelet, let them brown a bit on that side and then slap them on a plate, salt them down, and go to town. Browning them gives them some sort of taste, a kind of crunchy, grilly kind of taste. Then, you salt them, and eat them. Yum-ay!

I like to complement my healthy breakfast with a light little side dish, like, roughly five or six slices of bacon...

Or 28 patties of delicious sausage? Or an entire block of melted cheese? How about an entire avocado?

How are they with a side of doughnuts?

You reminded me of the wisdom of the late, great, Mitch Hedberg, who said "It's thanks to acid that I now know butter is WAY better than margarine"

note to self: Edit your posts before posting them! I blame the repetition and lack of some commas on the boss deciding to come down the hall as I was writing. It's not my fault!

Flutter: 28 sausages?! I hope you mean 28 TURKEY sausages.

Meno: Doughnuts are the appetizer.

Stucco: And, I'm reminded of the great Redd Foxx quote: "I feel so sorry for all those health nuts in the hospital, dying of NOTHING."

my egg separator is a mug with the face of a moose, with holes where the nostrils would be at the bottom. crack the egg into the mug, the yolk is too big to get through the holes, they whites ooze out totally disgusting my wife - 'cause now we're eating moose snot, not egg whites.

I remember being shown the egg white seperation using the shells when I worked in restaurants. It's really quite effective... if you don't bust the yolk cracking the egg, of course!

Hey flutter, don't be dissin' my avocadoes! They have healthy fat. (insert cheesy grin here).

Tsk tsk Jeremiah, this is about as balanced as the meal I just ate: Coke Zero to be sure I am not having too much sugar and empty calories, and a small pizza to ensure my proper amount of grease in the diet, and chocolate chip cookies because chocolate is an essential food group. That should have me in prime condition just like your healthy egg whites and bacon.

Bob: I've seen those before. I drink a beer called Moose Drool, so I think the snot would be a perfect compliment.

TG: It's quite a revelation, ain't it?

Maggie: I want to leave this world with ten slices of bacon in one hand and a martini in the other, both served to me by Denise Richards.