Jeremiah's School of Levitation

So, my youngest and I went to Subway the other day, only because he asked VERY nicely. I don't like Subway and will only eat there if it's the closest place between me and passing out from hunger. To retool a Simpson's quote from a starving kid: "I'm so hungry, I could eat at SUBWAY!" I think of their menu like I think of their wearisome spokesperson Jared--they have all the appeal of wet socks (I'm glad you lost all the weight, Jared, but it looks like you need to fatten up on charisma there).

Anyway, we go in, and as I'm looking at the wretched menu, my son goes up to the prep lady and says "On a six-inch wheat bun, I'll take four slices of pepperoni, four slices of salami, sprinkled cheese, mayo, two slices of bacon, lettuce, and vinegar. Please."

I looked at him aghast, then I looked back at the menu.

"What's THAT? That's not on the menu!" I said.

He shrugged and gave me the "oh you silly old ancient dude" look.

"It's my own creation," he said. "You like it?"

I frowned and looked at him. "You can DO that? You can just order what you want here?"

He shrugged again and gave me the "ok, now you're scaring me" look.

"Of course!" he said.

I looked at the prep lady. "Of course," her look said.

I suppose that's a DUH! on my part because all the ingredients of a potentially good sandwich are all spread out before you. But, see, I've lived my life as a well-trained patron of fast food establishments. I grew up, sheltered lad that I was, being whooped into thinking that the menu is LAW at fast food joints.

You don't just sashay into McDonalds', all independent thinking and all, and say something like "Okay, I'll take a Big Mac, but I want four patties, and could you leave off the special sauce and instead put tartar sauce in there? And, a strip of bacon too, please." You'd get anything ranging from a catatonic stare to a "Boy, you ain't at home! You bettah snap out of it!" look.

Sure, Burger King did the "Have it Your Way" campaign which wasn't exactly an invitation to really customize your burger beyond requesting what NOT to put on it from the list of regular ingredients. So, it was more like a "Have it Your Way As Long As Your Way Doesn't Take Us Out of OUR Way" campaign.

Otherwise, I've been dutifully ordering from the menu at the fast food places, feeling all safe and yet subliminally oppressed and untrusted with my own desires. My soul was being dragged over hot glass shards, and I didn't even know it.

Then, along comes The Subway Revelation--You don't need to be shackled to Subway's challenged menu! Go ahead, order that bacon and pepperoncini and jalapeno sandwich, on half wheat, half garlic, slathered with mayo mixed with seafood, but just the pink krab bits! Yeah!

As my son happily munched his sandwich (which, by the way, was great), I embraced a new, fresh opinion of Subway and I walked from its gleaming doors, my face a-smile with that "I learnt something up today" look.

However, I still have a problem with Jared. Maybe I can request that he do a commercial where, in the middle of some bland blah blah, he has a sudden relapse and he starts building this Dagwood Bumstead sandwich and then holds it up to the camera, meat falling off of it like autumn leaves, and laughs maniacally and shoves it in his mouth as he runs from the director. "Revelation!" he screams, over olives jetting from his mouth. "REEVVVVVVVA-LATION!"

Labels: revelations

I've been snubbing Sub-vay for years, but the husband has taken the kids a few times and now they ask for it. Sigh. Last time they begged for it (in a rushed moment of weakness I caved), I was surprised to find they had pizza. PIZZA. Actual round pizza. It was awful and cardboardy, but the kids didn't seem to mind.

I'll take Jimmy Johns any day, tho....

Subway is the blandest stuff.

I prefer to get my fast food at Dicks.

Jared does come off as a drone. Or maybe part of the Borg collective. I can't remember who I heard this from (so, hey, maybe it's an urban myth), but in person, they say he's a star in his own mind (meaning he doesn't talk to peons and other riffraff in the galley).

we had Togo's tonight for dinner, but J didn't get her tomatoes... she was sad.

but it was better than fried fast food! except that the gal didn't like her job. she was young, high school, and complained that when she wasn't at work her head was full of "Lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, mayo etc, etc..."

good for your boy!

(Oh, haven't been around here for a while and almost forgot what a fabulous writer you are!)

Well, ya learn something new every day. I had no idea you could custom order at Subway. How do they know how much to charge you?

As far as fast food places go, I have to admit that I do like them. You only get me into places like McVomit's under duress.

If I were in Seattle, I'd be so on the Dick's like Meno.

Jeesh that sounded really bad. I feel all naughty and stuff.

But, here in our little town we have fast food choices of:
McD's, Burger King, KFC or drum roll....Subway. Given those choices I actually prefer subway if I'm going to be all fast foody.

By 'little town' I don't mean Quebec City - they have great places and sushi too. I mean my little village outside of QC. The variety here is just astounding wouldn't you say?

I bet you Jared really eats at Burger King. Can you imagine the stir of him at another fast food chain? He'd have to go Deep Throat to get his favorite McFlurry or invest in a nice wig, hat and glasses combo.

Revelayyyyy-tion!!!!

Oh geeze, I had Subway tonight. Gods I feel guilty! *lol*

Congrats on making Meno's Short List! I went so far as to make us a smackingly hideous button...come partake!

I went into one of those places and "made up" a sort of veggie thing -- tomato, lettuce, maybe I added some onion. It was a fat, full sandwich, but when I checked out, they just charged me for a roll because all the "sides" were free.

I like it.

Once again, a little child shall lead them.

My children know that I am challenged by life (and fast food) and try hard to get me special menu treatment whenever possible.

Mona: Go towards the light. Or, the light reflecting offa the olives, I suppose....

Meno: We hit Dicks once a week, for sure. All hail those greasy fries!

Lucia: Why is Jared still around? And, I'm sure he's filthy rich, yet he has all the appeal of, well, a peel! I can do that! Give ME a million dollars! And, thanks for the props.

Ipod: I worked in a specialty health food grocery store and, to this day, I can name odd veggies. It's a talent I'm still trying to drink out of my head.

Sarah: Hey you! And, good question. They just charge six bucks (U.S.), it looks like.

Maggie: I want KFC to just serve chicken skin. I know that's gross, but, I just like the batter and hate the chicken. Maybe I'll just order batter the next time. I'll report on how that goes...

Emma: I saw Jared dumpster diving the other day, actually. I think he's about to crack...

Irrelephant: Hey! Welcome! I've read your posts over at Meno's. I'll put you on the roll call here at the School. And, yeah, Meno shot me some awesome props alright. Let me clean up around here and I'll be right over...

Amusing: Welcome, you too! Okay, I need to know where you got a Dagwood for the price of a roll.

Hearts: Yeah. I'm going to start bringing my kids to my job interviews. I'll let them field the tough questions. Of course, I'll have to teach them that, when the interviewer asks me my weak points, they don't blurt out "He's a poopy head!"

Great post! I feel the same way. And I think of that Simpson's quote every time I go to Arbys (hey, they have great milkshakes!).

Yeah, I also eat at Subway but only if I'm starving. But it's not them, it's just that I have a deep distrust of cold cuts.