Jeremiah's School of Levitation

Yesterday, a cashier asked me if I had made any new year's resolutions. Before I learned that I was just part of her experiment, I went ahead and answered her. I told her that, yeah, I had one thing I was going to work on, but that it was a slippery slope sort of thing. I was going to work on being more honest this year. Not that I go around telling lies, but that I do go around hiding how I really feel or what I really think, just so the conversation won't turn into wet cats or bad weather. I tend to just either keep my mouth shut, or agree, or go along, just to keep the peace. If someone disturbs me at my work, I tend to flow with the disturbance, because, who wants to offend? I told the cashier that this is a slippery slope, however, because the line between "I'm just being honest" and "I'm a real a*hole" is very thin. You gotta watch that or, by Jan. '10, you may find that your list of friends has dwindled down to radio talk show hosts and pets.

But, really, I do plan to be more honest, not to detriment of anyone, but rather, to benefit of myself. As I grow older, and admittedly more cynical, I have to be aware of what I decide to involve my time in. I got an upturned nose from a coworker when I told him that my iPod does not contain a single song that I can't listen to, which seems like a no-brainer, but he was arguing that I should just fill it with albums and, later, comb through the diamonds and the dross. I say, don't let the dross on there. In my youth, I could have wasted three or four minutes listening to a song that I really didn't like because, well, the one after it was great. Now, with my time running out, I don't have three or four minutes to waste on a passable tune. iPods eliminate the requirement to slog through filler, unlike cassettes or lp's, so, why not invoke the power of "delete" and leave the filler on the floor, to be vacuumed up later? Oh, how that elicited a gasp.

Anyway, that being a weak, but representative example, this year I do plan to eliminate the dross from my days. The dross interruptions, the dross music, the dross moments, the dross pleasantries, the dross sentimentalities, and the dross agreements. By the end of the year, I may only be able to clutch the voice of Randi Rhodes and the puffiness of my teddy bear as my "only real friends" OR I may, myself, become somebody else's "only REAL friend." Who knows?

By the way, after my speech, the cashier informed me that she'd asked everyone that day what their new year's resolutions would be and an overwhelming majority said that they don't do resolutions. I was one of only three people who said they did. So, I was just, in the end, proof of her theory that resolutions are passe and useless. So, I begin 2009 already in the distinct, chronic minority!

Labels: revelations

So, my youngest and I went to Subway the other day, only because he asked VERY nicely. I don't like Subway and will only eat there if it's the closest place between me and passing out from hunger. To retool a Simpson's quote from a starving kid: "I'm so hungry, I could eat at SUBWAY!" I think of their menu like I think of their wearisome spokesperson Jared--they have all the appeal of wet socks (I'm glad you lost all the weight, Jared, but it looks like you need to fatten up on charisma there).

Anyway, we go in, and as I'm looking at the wretched menu, my son goes up to the prep lady and says "On a six-inch wheat bun, I'll take four slices of pepperoni, four slices of salami, sprinkled cheese, mayo, two slices of bacon, lettuce, and vinegar. Please."

I looked at him aghast, then I looked back at the menu.

"What's THAT? That's not on the menu!" I said.

He shrugged and gave me the "oh you silly old ancient dude" look.

"It's my own creation," he said. "You like it?"

I frowned and looked at him. "You can DO that? You can just order what you want here?"

He shrugged again and gave me the "ok, now you're scaring me" look.

"Of course!" he said.

I looked at the prep lady. "Of course," her look said.

I suppose that's a DUH! on my part because all the ingredients of a potentially good sandwich are all spread out before you. But, see, I've lived my life as a well-trained patron of fast food establishments. I grew up, sheltered lad that I was, being whooped into thinking that the menu is LAW at fast food joints.

You don't just sashay into McDonalds', all independent thinking and all, and say something like "Okay, I'll take a Big Mac, but I want four patties, and could you leave off the special sauce and instead put tartar sauce in there? And, a strip of bacon too, please." You'd get anything ranging from a catatonic stare to a "Boy, you ain't at home! You bettah snap out of it!" look.

Sure, Burger King did the "Have it Your Way" campaign which wasn't exactly an invitation to really customize your burger beyond requesting what NOT to put on it from the list of regular ingredients. So, it was more like a "Have it Your Way As Long As Your Way Doesn't Take Us Out of OUR Way" campaign.

Otherwise, I've been dutifully ordering from the menu at the fast food places, feeling all safe and yet subliminally oppressed and untrusted with my own desires. My soul was being dragged over hot glass shards, and I didn't even know it.

Then, along comes The Subway Revelation--You don't need to be shackled to Subway's challenged menu! Go ahead, order that bacon and pepperoncini and jalapeno sandwich, on half wheat, half garlic, slathered with mayo mixed with seafood, but just the pink krab bits! Yeah!

As my son happily munched his sandwich (which, by the way, was great), I embraced a new, fresh opinion of Subway and I walked from its gleaming doors, my face a-smile with that "I learnt something up today" look.

However, I still have a problem with Jared. Maybe I can request that he do a commercial where, in the middle of some bland blah blah, he has a sudden relapse and he starts building this Dagwood Bumstead sandwich and then holds it up to the camera, meat falling off of it like autumn leaves, and laughs maniacally and shoves it in his mouth as he runs from the director. "Revelation!" he screams, over olives jetting from his mouth. "REEVVVVVVVA-LATION!"

Labels: revelations