Jeremiah's School of Levitation

I'm becoming a big fan of egg whites. They are practically no-fat, have just small bits of calories and they can taste great. I say "can" because, if you get lazy with cooking or buying them, then they just taste like wet paper. You have to first of all, crack them yourself, or witness them being cracked because I once fell for the egg whites in a carton products and, to the last brand on the shelf (even the ones that are stained yellow so that they look like whole eggs, which puzzles me why I'd know I'm eating egg whites, but just want them to look like whole eggs--it's like knowing I'm eating a carrot, but I want it to look like a carrot cake), they taste just slightly better than I'm guessing the carton housing them would taste.

Then, you have to cook them right. That means, for me, don't just scramble them like whole eggs because that doesn't work for them. No matter how much salt and garlic you put in them, their blandness wins out. No, you have to FRY them. You spread just a light bit of butter on the pan to prevent sticking, then you crack the egg...

...speaking of which, it took a while for me to figure out how to sucessfully separate the slimy egg white from the yolk. I tried cracking the thing into a bowl and then spooning out the yolk. The stuff's to slippery to do that without getting frustrated enough to bite a hole in myself. Then, I tried straining it, but, then, I was just making a bigger mess, sliming up another dish or utensil.

Then, after a short conversation with a cafeteria cook about my egg white woes, I got enlightened. She told me that she just cracked the egg open, but left the whole yolk and white part inside one half of the egg. Then, she would stand over the cooking surface take the broken edge of the recieving egg and place it under the yolk in the other egg and then TRANSFER just the yolk from one half egg to the other. The broken edge "cuts" the white as it flows, and it just dribbles out of the egg and into the pan. You have to do this a couple of times but, very quickly, you just end up with a yolk in the egg and white in the pan. Wow! That was exciting news, indeed. I still remember the look on her face as she described the process--she had a gaze that was somewhere between proud mama and wise sage. And, judging by how enlightened I felt, I probably had a look like I'd just heard Denise Richards call me "honey buns".

Anyway, once they're in the pan, leave them alone. Let them brown a little on the bottom and then flip them over like an omelet, let them brown a bit on that side and then slap them on a plate, salt them down, and go to town. Browning them gives them some sort of taste, a kind of crunchy, grilly kind of taste. Then, you salt them, and eat them. Yum-ay!

I like to complement my healthy breakfast with a light little side dish, like, roughly five or six slices of bacon...

I've been taking these incredibly long, stupid breaks, haven't I? Sometimes, sitting down at a blog is like pulling up my chair all the way INTO the fireplace. I constantly think of all my readers, and even communicate with some off the blog-line (I have a messenger account). I feel like I've let some folks down from their levitations. I've thought of recording myself speaking into the mike and slapping that on the blog, but that's sort of cheating, isn't it? I've done it before, but it's not something to make a habit of. If I wanted to do that, I'd just do a podcast (which is still possible). I kind of want to stick to keeping it a writing medium. But, I don't know, I don't always have something clever and wacky to say, nor do I always have the magic cluster of words that brangs forth unto you an "image." I'm just this cartoony guy.

Speaking of which, do you see my new profile picture? I did it on simpsonsmovie.com. There's a link there where you can make your own Simpson's avatar. You can, in effect, "Simpsonize" yourself. My avatar comes frighteningly close to looking like me. I actually am a little creeped out by it, which means, it's gotta stay.

Hey, why don't all of you do that? All of you left to come read my blog, that is. I'd love to see what you all think you look like after you've been run through the Simpson-ator.

Try it out. And post it. And, while you're at it, tell me what you want me to write about. Kid stories? What's in my closet? What's stuck in my teeth today? Give me a swift kick to the buttular region, will ya!